Ask Me Anything.

Seriously.

Today is Sunday

I have a research paper for Law due on Tuesday. I have a Calculus exam on Thursday. I have a Macroeconomics exam on Thursday. I have an Italian quiz on Friday. I haven't made the slightest attempt at preparing myself for most of these upcoming events. I've downloaded all of the useful materials that may help me complete my research paper. That's a big step. As of right now, I have no inclination to do anything. I mean ANYTHING. I could do some sort of work. I could make Italian flash cards; I could do the practice problems for Calculus; I could vaguely skim through my Macroeconomics textbook. I could take a nap. I could watch a movie. I could take photos. I could play a video game. I could do anything. I've lost all motivation and willpower to be a productive person. I don't know. I just feel strangely lethargic right now. I know that I'll do all of the things necessary to prepare myself for this coming week, but I know that I won't put any real effort into it. I feel like my body and my mind have given up on me. Clearly they haven't completely abandoned me if I'm able to type out this post, but I just don't feel like my usual self. I feel like I should be drinking right now. I feel as though that would be the best possible decision for me to make, so that I can pass out into oblivion for a few hours. Then what will I do once I wake up? Let the overwhelming guilt and self-loathing wash over me because I chose to waste my time by drinking rather than making a serious attempt at being useful to myself. But I know that if I stay awake, I won't actually do any of that. I'll just sit here, in my chair, on my sore ass, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I know I've been getting enough sleep. Meh. Maybe it's my diet. I'm not really on a diet but I've been on this exercise kick and to supplement that I've been cutting down on my food intake. Needless to say, I was shocked on Friday night to see that I'd only used five of my ten allocated meals this week. I now have four meals left. It's not as if I haven't been eating altogether, though. I just spend a lot more time in my room (when I'm not in class) and away from the dining hall. Yesterday, before I went to shoot the gymnastics meet, I had a small bit of pasta with meat sauce and some bread. But earlier I'd had a bowl of Cheerios (with an almost alarming amount of sugar). I just snack on whatever is in my room, rather than going to the dining hall. Like the pepperoni that I have in my fridge, I eat that sometimes when I'm hungry. But I don't eat an insane amount because I'm pretty sure that I can feel my face getting more and more oily with every circular piece of meat that I ingest. Last night, while I was editing my photos, I had a ton of pretzels. They're kind of hard to stop eating once you get started. Today I woke up and I had another bowl of Cheerios (with sugar, of course). So I'm definitely not starving myself. In fact, we're about to head to IHOP (and I already feel guilty about the fact that I'm not only going to IHOP, but I haven't exercised since Tuesday). I really need a drink.

Sometimes...

I feel like I don't truly belong with my friends. I mean, I know I'm ridiculously easy to make fun of and I react more than a person usually should when people are poking fun at them but...I don't know. In the back of my mind, I just feel like they don't actually like me at all and that they only keep me around because I'm always a good source of entertainment and I'm always the butt of their jokes. It's kind of annoying. And no one really likes a lot of the tings that I like. Frasier, old movies (Anchors Aweigh, The King and I, The Sound of Music, etc.) Whenever I want to watch them, no one else wants to. What's wrong with The Wizard of Oz? What's wrong with Frasier? Nothing. It's just that whenever we go to Tristan Video to find movies to rent, the ones that I pick out are always outvoted by the ones that everyone else wants to watch. And the thing is, I like all of the other movies that everyone else picks out, so why must I resort to watching the movies that I like ALONE? Meh. Maybe I'm just asking too much. It's not entirely outlandish to consider myself a selfish person. I just don't like being shot down ALL THE FUCKING TIME. All year, all I've wanted to do is watch either The Sound of Music, The Wizard of Oz, Titanic OR Anchors Aweigh with my friends. Just one of those movies I would like to watch with everyone else. Has that happened? Of course not. I'm watching Anchors Aweigh with Fallon tomorrow, though. So I guess that's a start. But honestly, I'm fully prepared to watch all of the other movies by myself. I've done it before, I can do it again. Actually, I don't know why it's so important for me to watch these movies with anyone else at all. If they don't want to watch them, that's their loss. I know how amazing all of these movies are. Fucking hell. And yet I get shocked gasps and stares when I say that I've never seen Step Brothers. And what happened? I was forced to fucking watch that movie. I don't mind it, really. But what if I'm firmly against Will Ferrell's existence (which I'm not)? I would not have wanted to see that movie. But no, they all felt that it was a movie that I really needed to see because apparently I was missing out on some serious amusement. Same thing with The Hangover. And while I enjoyed those movies, among others, I feel the same way about the movies that I listed early. Yet, will anyone cooperate with me so that they may witness a few brilliant musicals?! OF FUCKING COURSE NOT. I think the problem here is that I'm severely outnumbered, therefore it's quite easy for everyone else to impose their (well-meaning, I'm sure) will upon me. Whatever. I feel like crying. I honestly don't feel like I belong with them. I love each and every one of them but I just don't know. I need a drink.

Hm.

Once again, it's been forever since I've posted (as if anyone actually cares). Lately, I've been feeling pretty down about everything. Mainly my body and my general being. I don't know. I've just been thinking that I hate my existence more than usual. I just feel like I'll never be happy with the way I look and it pisses me off to no end. I try to exercise as much as possible and I don't eat 24/7 but shit just doesn't work. Fuck this life. Anyway, there's also this guy. But I'm not going to get into that. Why? Because it's fucking pathetic. I am a fucking pathetic human being. Fucking hell. In other news, classes are okay. I'm taking Italian and that's pretty exciting. I know for a fact that this semester will go much better than the last. I think I need to change myself. A lot.