Bricks

Okay so. The plan for the rest of the week is as follows:
Thursday: 8:30am - Latin vocab quiz
11:15am - Meet with college counselor
2:00pm - History Test
Friday: School
6:00pm (or later)"attend" a meeting of absolute pointlessness
Saturday: 9:00am (for us workers) Colgate Finals
Sunday: nothing that I know of as of now.

Well, now that I've got that figured out, I need to go learn History.

Oh yes. Hurdles are the definition of suck. Oh, and daddy? You're not making it any better. No, if anything you just make it a million and one times worse. I mean, holy shit dude. It's bad enough having my former-track-athlete-turned-track-coach-turned-track-photographer dad as a coach on the school's team, but on top of that, you're fucking frustrating!

Don't get me wrong. Of course I appreciate the fact that he's taking time out of his obscenely busy schedule to come work with the team but really...there's just something about it that doesn't sit well with me. Maybe it's the fact that people will probably expect me to be some sort of world-class runner because of my father's (and mother's) background in track. Yes, I know that I've been to more track meets in my lifetime than anyone else on the team (as he so wonderfully put it) but what the hell does that have to do with me being a good runner?

Fucking hurdles. Why the fuck can't I get over a bloody hurdle? Why?!!? It's beyond frustrating. It's infuriating. I can't do it. I don't know why. Fine, maybe it has to do with the fact that I can't even lift my legs "more than 4 or 5 inches off the ground" as daddy says. But I don't have a mental road block.

He says that I'm thinking about it too much and I'm going to have to disagree on that one. I am not thinking too much. I plan to run and then jump over the blasted object that has become worse than the bane of my existence. If that's too much thinking then what the fuck do you want me to do? Become a mindless drone who doesn't even think about the fact that I have to go over the hurdle in the first place? That's what's going to happen.

And another thing, fuck you and your problem with me being "too emotional". You suck. You try sticking yourself in my shoes for a bit and see how it feels to have parents who have never seen anything you've ever done as good enough all throughout your life. Yeah. Try having your father as your fucking coach, telling you that you can't lift your legs and you need to trim them down to run. So what the fuck? Am I too fat to run track now too? If that's the case then how about I just go anorexic for you. How would you like that?

God fucking dammit. I try to harness my emotions. I really do, but that shit doesn't work. Tell me this, how does one go about becoming completely and utterly stoic? I would love to be devoid of all emotion to the point where people question my humanity, if it makes it so that I never shed another tear again.

I know it may not seem like it, but it's very easy for me to be brought to tears. Not that I particularly want anyone to know that but this is a public blog and I have no clue who reads this so I may have just brought my own downfall upon me. Oh fucking well. I don't want to be the crybaby anymore. But how the FUCK do I stop it? Ignore them? Turn the other cheek? Well I've fucking run out of cheeks and ignoring has never worked.

I've been trying to get rid of these cursed tears since I became a "big girl". You know, the type that isn't supposed to cry. That was at least ten years ago. What the fuck am I doing wrong? How can I stop it? How? I really want to but there just seems to be no way. And it doesn't help that the parental units definitely don't believe me.

I'm such a fucking disappointment to them. They're both track-heads and they don't even have a good runner to show for it from their own family. They've already missed out on my brothers so now there's only me. What the fuck can I do? Nothing. I guess they're lucky that I decided (quite reluctantly) to do track at school.

Last year, during the Winter sports season, I played squash. Imagine how embarrassing it must have been for them when their fellow track-heads asked what sport I did.
"Squash." They would reply. My father doesn't even consider Squash to be a real sport.
"Oh. Well, I thought she would be running track. You know, keep it in the family." The other track-heads would respond.
Cue uncomfortable laughter.
At least I had fun playing Squash. I actually felt as though I had a real chance to improve and bring something to the team. What can I bring to track? I'm not particularly fast, I don't jump very far and I can't even get over one fucking hurdle. Pathetic. That's what I am.

A pathetic track runner-wannabe. And a disappointment to the only two coaches who matter in my life.

ReChangeOverMake

So...today I finally got a perm. I really needed it. Now my hair cooperates with me without being a bitch about it. That was early this morning. I was done by about 12:15ish so I called Mina to see if she wanted to come with me to drop off applications and stuff.

So we met up at Broadway Junction and made our way into Manhattan. The first stop being American Eagle on 34th street. I had my application done and everything but it turns out that they don't accept applications during the weekend. The manager is only in during the week so I have to come back between Monday and Friday, 9am to 5pm.

I don't know exactly when that's going to happen since I've got this little thing called school to worry about. Meh. There's always President's weekend.

So after we finished in AE, we took the bus down to Union Square so that I could check out the Free People store on 5th Avenue. Free People is awesome by the way. Awesomely expensive, but still awesome.
I really want this jumper...meh. Anyway, when we got inside, I was originally in awe because I was actually in such an awesome store. I'd only seen their products online, but it was so cool to see all of it in person. Then I remembered what I'd went into the store for. I have to be 18 to work there. Can someone say 'denied'? I certainly did.

So yeah...after that, Mina and I hit up a few thrift shops along the way to the Pinkberry on Bleeker Street, where I would drop off my last application for the day. It was pretty fun. The Freaks Lounge has been turned into an Andy's Cheapees store. It's pretty cool.

We met this one lady who worked there. She was...awesome. I think I need a new word. But anyway, she was. So we spoke to her for a while. I found this really cute wrap-around pleated plaid skirt in there. I didn't buy it though. It was $24 and even if I did have the money for it, I probably wouldn't have bought it. Oh well.

So we ended up at Pinkberry and a few minutes after we sat down to eat, Asia walks in. Surprise, surprise! So yeah. It was nice seeing her for a bit. We hung out, ate, talked and so on.

Overall it was a pretty good day. Until I got home and naturally the parental units had to fuck everything up. But that's another blog.

C U Next Tuesday!

Hm...it's finally the weekend. But soon enough it'll be over and then it's back to the daily grind of school and work and whatever else people do during the week. Leading the more 'normal' or 'safer' part of their double lives. In my case, I took the SAT this morning. Meh. How do I feel about taking it again? Apathetic. Indifference. Yeah, I most likely got a lower score since I did absolutely nothing to prepare for it this time. The first time I took it, I was doing the SAT Question of the Day from CollegeBoard.com, but I haven't even done that much. Oh well. The next time I take it will be ages from now and by then I'll have put in a sufficient amount of preparation and such.

So after the test I went over to Pratt for work. The last saturday of the women's games before the final at MSG. So I did that for a while and picked up my check as well. I still need to deposit them. Oh um..and tomorrow el job search is resuming. I was supposed to go last weekend but that didn't actually happen. It probably won't happen tomorrow either but I still really want to get this done asap.

Daddy has been helping out with the track team at school. Yeah. So he has officially established himself as Coach Anderson of the Hurdlers and Jumpers. I'm sort of indifferent towards that as well but then again not really. I could go into how I really feel about him coaching at my school (no negative feelings at least) but that would take too long, and Jaz is feeling a bit lazy. I might take a nap actually.

Yeah...I think I'll do that now.

I Feel Like Tacos

Yeah. I'm not going to be all emo anymore. It really gets me and other people down. And I'm not someone who does well when they're down. Speaking of being down, one thing that does sort of upset me is the obvious lack of grammar skills among today's youth (and not-so-youth). What's so hard about differentiating between 'there', 'their' and 'they're'? The same goes for 'two', 'to' and 'too'. I know there's one more but I can't remember it at the moment. Anyway, here's the difference between these words. Definitions from Dictionary.com. Sentences by me.

There - (used commonly as an adverb) in or at that place; that point; The book is over there.
Their - (pronoun) expressing possession of a noun; form of the pronoun 'they'; Their house almost burned down.
They're - contraction of 'they are'; They're going to leave us if we don't hurry.

Two - number; noun; One plus one is two.
To - preposition; used for expressing motion or direction toward a point, person, place, or thing approached and reached, as opposed to from; I am going to the store.
Too - adverb; in addition; also; including; used as an affirmative to contradict a negative statement; to an excessive extent or degree; 1) She is too sick to get out of bed. 2) I like carrots too! 3) They weren't too happy about the delayed flight.

Okay, so on with my life. Tomorrow I'm going to be doing a little bit of everything. I want to finish those damn index cards for history and I also need to finish my essay. I plan on doing that tonight but I can't guarantee that it'll get past this pathetic attempt at an introduction that I have open at the moment.

Job search! I'm going print out the application to Barnes & Noble and fill that out. This makes the second application that I'm submitting to them. I am determined to get a job and B&N is my first choice at the moment, since it's the most convenient for me. Once I do that, I'm going to take an application over to American Eagle. I'd actually really love to work at Abercrombie & Fitch but I have to be 18 to work there. So I'll go to AE instead. It's like climbing a ladder of sorts...

Before I do any of that I need to go to the bank and deposit some checks. Yep. Jaz needs to start saving for London. As much as I'd love to cash all of the checks that I've earned so far, I really do need to put some money in the bank. Besides, if I were to cash those checks, I guarantee that at least half of the money will go to food. That's about $200. Not cool, dude. I'm quite proud of myself for making this decision, though.

So yeah. It's job hunting season. I'm really hoping that one of these stores calls me to work during spring break, but I doubt it will happen. I'm really applying for a summer position but if they want me for spring break, that's an added bonus. It'll give me a chance to prove myself to be a good worker, great with people and pretty much anything else they could possibly want in a sales associate.

That reminds me, when I go to AE, I'm going to stop over at Aeropostale and get an application from them too. I've already given one to them last year, sometime before Thanksgiving break, for a seasonal job. Obviously that didn't work out. So I'm going back to them too. So let's see...this makes Attempt number two for Barnes & Noble and Aeropostale. Attempt number one for American Eagle. This should be interesting. This means I have to dress to impress tomorrow.

It's not like they'll interview me on the spot, but still. I at least want to make sure that I wear a decent pair of jeans (since I'll have my coat on) to show them that I know how to present myself. Damn. I guess this means I need to do something about my hair too. Oh well. That's the least of my concerns.

Now Playing: Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson. One of my favorite songs. It only has 11 plays though. That makes me a bit sad. Oh well. I suppose that makes it even better to listen to. If they plays are few and far between opposed to me playing the song to death (like Misery Business and Diary of Jane).

I've also decided to try to find myself. I don't even know where the fuck to start but I really would like to. I'm not stupid. I know that the way I am affects those around me (not for the better, mind you) and I'd like to change that. I don't want to become a completely different person (or maybe I do), but I do want to get rid of this self-loathing mentality that I've been carrying around since before I'd even hit puberty (which was pretty early). Since about first or second grade actually, but I digress.

The point is, it's taken me ages (and more than a few not-so-nice talks with Mina) to see that I'm kinda really fucked up in the head. I could blame it on a million and one things from being teased in grade school about being fat (one girl asked me if I was having twins) and having glasses (ah, the classic four-eyes jeers are still fresh) to feeling so unloved by my parents that I felt as though I were adopted and wanted to commit suicide. The point is, I need to suck it up and get over it. Because of the shit that's happened in the past, I've become who I am today. I sure as hell am not perfect, but I'm going to take it one step at a time.

I need to learn to be comfortable with who I am. How I look. I feel like crying right now. Lol, no not sad tears. Happy tears!! I swear. I'm listening to Colors (for Extreme) right now and I feel like I've just had an epiphany. It's as though everything is clicking in to place, or at least trying to. Maybe, the fact that I've come to terms with who I am (was) is helping me to become who I should be (whoever she is). I know I sound like every cliche, and even if I am, I do it best, because that's me. So yeah. A new Jaz Matazz is approaching.

I'm excited for what she'll bring with her. It won't be easy though. I know there will be times when I'll relapse and go back into those stages of wishing I were any and every other girl but me, but this time things will be different. I'm going to make an effort to stop being such a wimp. A pansy, afraid of what the world has to offer.

Wish me luck!

-Sigh-

I really don't understand. It just seems as though I'll never be the FIRST choice. I'm always going to be second (or third, or even eighth) best. Ha. Fuck it. I give up.

Mina's party was awesome. I kinda started (and ended) a bit earlier than expected though. Of course, me being me, I got to her house obscenely early so I kinda just hung out for a bit. People started showing up and then things started taking off. Once Juju got there we became partners in crime (wink wink). I don't consider myself a mixer to any degree but I did combine some pretty strong stuff. And had a lot of it.

By 9pm I was done. If they'd let me sleep on the bathroom floor with my head on the toilet, I definitely would have. But Mina, Johnathan and Quincy got me upstairs and to Mina's room where I promptly passed out for 3 hours.

I woke up at a little after midnight and I still wasn't anywhere close to sober. That's saying something. But I had to get up, although I would have loved to stay in the bed and go back to sleep. I couldn't though, since I'd planned on staying up until it was time for me to go home since I had to be at work at 9:30 this morning.

So I met people. Talked and all that good stuff, which brings me to the beginning of my post. I give up on males. Based on the goings-on of the party last night, I fucking give up. Let's go through the list, shall we?

Johnathan - I've always found him quite cute with his random obsession with Sonic and his long curly hair. Yesterday, he reached a whole new level. I don't know what possessed him to change so drastically but hey, I'm not complaining. When showed up at the door, and I got that first good look at the new Johnathan, 81million thoughts were running through my head. The most prominent of which was; Goddamn! He's fucking hot! So yeah. But I guess that's where it ends. He's such a sweet guy but he has a girlfriend and on top of that, he's got some random thing going on with Mina. I don't want to say I'm jealous, because I'm not, it's just that it seems she gets everyone and I'm left to...read a book or something. But I digress. The other thing that sort of bothers me about him is that even though he's obviously got his own random girl shit to deal with, it doesn't stop him from...expressing interest in me. Not that I mind, but I know that nothing will ever come of it because I'm Girl Number 3 (if I'm lucky). Yeah...well. I'll just ride this out I guess. I'm not going to get attached because that would be a waste of my time and energy, so I'll just see where it goes. For all I know, he could be using me as a back-up just in case things completely and utterly fall apart between him and Mina. The concept isn't entirely new to me. I'm used to being the back-up. That brings me to my next problem.

Daniel - Holy fucking shit dude. When the fuck will you get the hint? I don't fucking want you! I have never wanted you. I will never want you. Grow the fuck up, move on and get a bloody fucking life. Holy shit. I seriously don't think that he knows just how serious I am. What is it about me that makes it so that no one takes me seriously? What? I don't get it. Well, in any case, he has got to be the biggest pain in my cell phone's text message inbox's ass. Like...dude. Get over it. It's obvious that your only reason for coming to the stupid party is so you can find some other hopeless girl to stalk. Your dinky little plan backfired and so you think to yourself; Hey, Jazmyne is here, so I'm going to bother her instead. What the fuck. Firstly, he's fucking lucky that he didn't dare say anything to me at the party because in my inebriated state or not, I would not have hesitated in verbally castrating him with the fierce power and intensity of a thousand suns. And then I would have rubbed his face in the remains of his shattered ego, self-confidence and dignity for everyone to see. No, he's lucky that he didn't do that. But what does he do instead? He fucking texts me at 6pm today talking about how I should stay strong and people will respect me for shit like that. Who the fuck do you think you are? There are so many things wrong with that fucking message that I have to put it in this blog, just so the rest of the internet world can see what a fucking loser you are. "Hey...it was cool to see u...hope ur feeling better..I got u some pills but I doubt they ever got to u..I know u have a lot going on in ur life that make u feel like shit..just stay strong and be u and pple will respect u for that..anyway hope u feel better n eveything turns out ok for u...later...goo". You fucking suck. Go rot in a corner somewhere. Holy shit. Not only is he one of those people that doesn't even type out the full word, but he thinks that he's important enough to me to the point that he can go around buying me shit to make me feel better or whatever. And what the fuck could you possibly know about my life? Are you seriously that desperate that you're going to try (and fail miserably at) pretending to know what's going on with me? The only thing that's not turning out the way I want, is you realizing that I don't fucking want anything to do with you. Period. I would spend even more time ranting about how fucking sad he is but I've already wasted so much time on him. He's not even worth the amount of contempt that I regard him with.

Vinny - Oh Vinny. You're a cool dude and I'm quite flattered but no. It's not going to happen. I really mean that. I mean, now that I know that you were going around the house asking every single girl the same thing that you asked of me, you've lost a bit of standing (however much you had to begin with, I don't know) to me. Now I feel cheap and possibly a bit used because of you. There's nothing special about me, and I guess I sort of knew that you were only saying what you thought needed to be said to gain my trust, but I didn't want to acknowledge that at the time. I don't plan on ever seeing you again, and even if I do, we are just friends. Nothing more. I mean, for one thing, I've got my own shit to deal with simply concerning males, but what you're asking of me is part of a whole new ballgame that I'm nowhere near ready to play in. I was just a back-up for Vinny too. Oh well. Shit happens.

I figure while I'm on the topic of guys, I might as well include them all.


Nathan - Oh dear, sweet Nathan. What could I possibly say about Nathan? A lot, or perhaps nothing at all. Well, I guess there's nothing to say. He likes me, I don't like him as anything more than a friend and that's how it's going to stay. Hm. Well that wasn't a lot. How anticlimactic. In that case, I guess there's not much to say about Marc either.

Marc - What a great guy you are. I'm still not even sure what the hell I think of him at this point. It's not like it matters though since he's got his sights set so far away from me that we're in two separate hemispheres. Oh well. What can you do?

Yeah so...I guess I'm just sick of being the back-up. The safety. The last kid that's picked to be on someone's dodgeball team, and then when I am picked, I'm not even put in the game. So that's why I'm saying fuck it. Guys just aren't worth the stress and effort and time that it takes to get their attention and keep it. So I'm going to worry about me. But I know that when the time comes, I can kick anybody and everybody's ass in dodgeball. But I'm never given the chance.

Untitled

A few nights ago I had a dream about my dad and I. He was sitting in a chair and I was sitting on the floor in front of him. He had a revolver in his hand for some reason. My dad isn't violent at all and the last thing he would own is a gun, particularly a revolver. We were probably arguing about something because I remember feeling pretty exhausted and worn out at the time. So anyway, I guess he'd finally reached his limit and was sick and tired of me and the way I was/am. He pointed the gun at his temple. I pleaded with him not to do it. I mean, who wants their father to die? Who wants to watch their father end his own life? He didn't listen to me. It seems that he'd rather kill himself than deal with me any longer. He pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Russian Roulette is a bitch. I didn't realize it until I took the gun from him, but there was only one bullet. I cried and cried and cried as I held the gun and as he sat there. I could have lost him forever. I wouldn't have had a father anymore if the bullet had been where I thought it was. And I cried. I woke up crying because it was so intense. I don't ever remember having a dream like that. Sure I've had those random dreams where I'm walking and I'm about to trip on something and my leg jerks right as it happens, startling me awake. But this was just too much. I really don't want my father to die. I know it'll happen at some point. But I don't want it to happen any time soon. And certainly not in such a manner as I'd dreamt of.

Pump Those Arms!!

Yeah...so today was the first day back to school for me. I got midterm results and other crap. I kinda don't want to go over those at the moment since I'm quite tired. I had a track meet this afternoon too. Mhm, the day we get back to school with no practice for 3 weeks. Lawl. So yeah. I ran the 55 meter dash and long jumped as usual. The amusing thing about the 55m was the fact that I was in the last heat (which isn't so amusing) but there was only one other girl in the row with me. So it was me against her in the last heat of the race. I won. =)

I really didn't think that I was going to lose but still, I heard her heavy footsteps behind me as I was starting to pull away from her and I just thought to myself; 'There's NO way that I'm going to let her win.' And I didn't, so I'm happy about that. It's the first (and probably only) race that I've ever won. Things didn't go so well in the long jump. I jumped 8 feet 4 3/4 inches and 8 feet 9 1/4 inches. I fouled my last jump. Talk about SUCKAGE. Whatever, I haven't practiced for three weeks so what can I expect? At least I came to the meet. That can't be said for quite a few other people on the team.

Oh well. Now I have to do homework. Yep, back to the daily grind of school for me. Alas, at least I have spring break to look forward to. Oh! And my birthday is exactly 5 months away!

- The Moofia's Head Honcho; over and out.

Different

So today I rearranged my room. Yeah, it was kind of on a whim. I was at work and I suddenly had the thought to move my bed to where my dresser was and my dresser to where my bed was. Then when I went to this little thrift store on my way home, I decided not to. Oh! I bought this cute little white crochet hat with a pom-pom on it. It's one of those saggy-type hats that everyone and their mother is wearing nowadays. Oh well, so much for being original. Anyway, as for not doing my room, I have a lot of crap and I didn't feel like dealing with it. Then when I got home, I decided to go ahead and do it anyway.

I really like this change. I guess it's to go along with the new year. Or something. I wanted to try shopping one more time with Mina tomorrow. I can't. My mom was all like, you have school on Monday so no. I guess I saw that coming. Whatever, life goes on. Not too much else to say, I suppose.

- The Moofia's Head Honcho; over and out.

She's Got TokiDoki!!

So today Mina and I went to Manhattan to do a bit of shopping, as mentioned in my previous post. That didn't work out too well. We wandered around into Uniqlo, American Eagle, Forever 21 and a few other random stores. We didn't find anything! Although the fries and Pinkberry made up for that.

I was really looking forward to some new clothes but I guess it wasn't meant to be. We met up with Quincy in Union Square before going into Forever 21. Oh! Speaking of Union Square, the Man is trying to keep the skaters and bladers down by prohibiting skaters and bladers from...well...skating and blading in front of the steps of Union Square park. What the hell dude?!!?!? Yeah...I could go into a rant about how unjust this is to today's youth and how they have nowhere else to go and how it's good for one's social growth, but I'm too lazy to do that. You get the drift.

So even though today was completely clothesless, it was still a lot of fun. And a lot of cold too. Somehow Mina and I missed our stop on the C train about 3 times. It was quite amusing. But we got to where we were going eventually. So as we were trolling the city, I spotted TokiDoki bags on random girls so of course I had to point it out. Only it ended up coming out in some weird screamo type voice. So Mina, Quincy and I are going to start a band. Our new hit single will be called "She's Got TokiDoki"

Hm...I don't know what else to say. I know I had more to type...Oh! Mina and I also went to the Leica gallery and looked at the pretty pictures. They were really nice. My pocket is vibrating. Mommy called me. Well anyway, yeah so that was my day.

- The Moofia's Head Honcho; over and out.

Yay!

I bought new glasses today and they are the smexiest glasses EVAR! lol. I'm really excited, they weren't what I was looking for at first but when I saw them (the only white frames in the whole store) I thought to myself 'those are MINE.' So yeah. I can't wait to see what people say when they see me.

Tomorrow is going to be fun. I'm going shopping with Mina for a complete wardrobe makeover. Okay, well not a complete wardrobe makeover, but definitely a bunch of new clothes. I place myself in her capable hands haha. Ohh! I also finally found the Maybelline Ultra Liner eyeliner that I've been looking for. So of course I tested it out and I'm pretty happy. XD

Hm...I go back to school on Monday. I'm not really looking forward to it, but then again it's nice to see everyone again. I just don't want to do more work. And take the SAT again. And work on my term paper. And take finals. And worry about college more than I already am. Whatever.

Project Runway! I <3 sewing.

- The Moofia's Head Honch; over and out.

I really can't stand how closed-minded people can be. Holy shit, let a person be who the fuck they are. You don't have to be such an asshole about it. And then you're going to try to compare my response to certain people to that? Are you fucking serious. Holy fucking shit dude. Really. That's some serious bullshit. Both of you can kiss my ass.

New Start

Hello 2008, my name is Jazmyne and it's nice to finally meet you! Elena's party was awesome. We played random games, watched TV, Guitar Hero was going, we cooked and did a whole bunch of other stuff. Yeah, I'm really glad that I went. There's nothing more awesome than ringing in the new year with your friends.

Speaking of friends, I was kind of supposed to go to Mina's house today. That didn't exactly happen. I got home at 2:30am and I was K.O. from there. I did wake up at 10:10 but nothing registered in my head except for my need to go to the bathroom. Then it was back to bed for me until 3pm. So that's how that went. I hope she's not too mad but then again shit happens.

Dreamgirls is on. Good movie, that one. Mommy is making chicken downstairs. Yay! Okay, so tomorrow I go downtown to look for some new frames for my glasses. I've decided that I need to start wearing my glasses again, after several misread words and such. So I want some white frames, medium thickness. Yeah, that would be awesome.

So as for new year's resolutions, I've decided to um...well. Do better in everything I suppose. Yeah...I don't really have anything concrete planned out and if i do, I've forgotten them. So yeah. I just want to do well in the second semester of school and end my junior year right. And then carry that over to the start of senior year and so forth. So yeah.

-The Moofia's Head Honcho; over and out.