-Sigh-

I really don't understand. It just seems as though I'll never be the FIRST choice. I'm always going to be second (or third, or even eighth) best. Ha. Fuck it. I give up.

Mina's party was awesome. I kinda started (and ended) a bit earlier than expected though. Of course, me being me, I got to her house obscenely early so I kinda just hung out for a bit. People started showing up and then things started taking off. Once Juju got there we became partners in crime (wink wink). I don't consider myself a mixer to any degree but I did combine some pretty strong stuff. And had a lot of it.

By 9pm I was done. If they'd let me sleep on the bathroom floor with my head on the toilet, I definitely would have. But Mina, Johnathan and Quincy got me upstairs and to Mina's room where I promptly passed out for 3 hours.

I woke up at a little after midnight and I still wasn't anywhere close to sober. That's saying something. But I had to get up, although I would have loved to stay in the bed and go back to sleep. I couldn't though, since I'd planned on staying up until it was time for me to go home since I had to be at work at 9:30 this morning.

So I met people. Talked and all that good stuff, which brings me to the beginning of my post. I give up on males. Based on the goings-on of the party last night, I fucking give up. Let's go through the list, shall we?

Johnathan - I've always found him quite cute with his random obsession with Sonic and his long curly hair. Yesterday, he reached a whole new level. I don't know what possessed him to change so drastically but hey, I'm not complaining. When showed up at the door, and I got that first good look at the new Johnathan, 81million thoughts were running through my head. The most prominent of which was; Goddamn! He's fucking hot! So yeah. But I guess that's where it ends. He's such a sweet guy but he has a girlfriend and on top of that, he's got some random thing going on with Mina. I don't want to say I'm jealous, because I'm not, it's just that it seems she gets everyone and I'm left to...read a book or something. But I digress. The other thing that sort of bothers me about him is that even though he's obviously got his own random girl shit to deal with, it doesn't stop him from...expressing interest in me. Not that I mind, but I know that nothing will ever come of it because I'm Girl Number 3 (if I'm lucky). Yeah...well. I'll just ride this out I guess. I'm not going to get attached because that would be a waste of my time and energy, so I'll just see where it goes. For all I know, he could be using me as a back-up just in case things completely and utterly fall apart between him and Mina. The concept isn't entirely new to me. I'm used to being the back-up. That brings me to my next problem.

Daniel - Holy fucking shit dude. When the fuck will you get the hint? I don't fucking want you! I have never wanted you. I will never want you. Grow the fuck up, move on and get a bloody fucking life. Holy shit. I seriously don't think that he knows just how serious I am. What is it about me that makes it so that no one takes me seriously? What? I don't get it. Well, in any case, he has got to be the biggest pain in my cell phone's text message inbox's ass. Like...dude. Get over it. It's obvious that your only reason for coming to the stupid party is so you can find some other hopeless girl to stalk. Your dinky little plan backfired and so you think to yourself; Hey, Jazmyne is here, so I'm going to bother her instead. What the fuck. Firstly, he's fucking lucky that he didn't dare say anything to me at the party because in my inebriated state or not, I would not have hesitated in verbally castrating him with the fierce power and intensity of a thousand suns. And then I would have rubbed his face in the remains of his shattered ego, self-confidence and dignity for everyone to see. No, he's lucky that he didn't do that. But what does he do instead? He fucking texts me at 6pm today talking about how I should stay strong and people will respect me for shit like that. Who the fuck do you think you are? There are so many things wrong with that fucking message that I have to put it in this blog, just so the rest of the internet world can see what a fucking loser you are. "Hey...it was cool to see u...hope ur feeling better..I got u some pills but I doubt they ever got to u..I know u have a lot going on in ur life that make u feel like shit..just stay strong and be u and pple will respect u for that..anyway hope u feel better n eveything turns out ok for u...later...goo". You fucking suck. Go rot in a corner somewhere. Holy shit. Not only is he one of those people that doesn't even type out the full word, but he thinks that he's important enough to me to the point that he can go around buying me shit to make me feel better or whatever. And what the fuck could you possibly know about my life? Are you seriously that desperate that you're going to try (and fail miserably at) pretending to know what's going on with me? The only thing that's not turning out the way I want, is you realizing that I don't fucking want anything to do with you. Period. I would spend even more time ranting about how fucking sad he is but I've already wasted so much time on him. He's not even worth the amount of contempt that I regard him with.

Vinny - Oh Vinny. You're a cool dude and I'm quite flattered but no. It's not going to happen. I really mean that. I mean, now that I know that you were going around the house asking every single girl the same thing that you asked of me, you've lost a bit of standing (however much you had to begin with, I don't know) to me. Now I feel cheap and possibly a bit used because of you. There's nothing special about me, and I guess I sort of knew that you were only saying what you thought needed to be said to gain my trust, but I didn't want to acknowledge that at the time. I don't plan on ever seeing you again, and even if I do, we are just friends. Nothing more. I mean, for one thing, I've got my own shit to deal with simply concerning males, but what you're asking of me is part of a whole new ballgame that I'm nowhere near ready to play in. I was just a back-up for Vinny too. Oh well. Shit happens.

I figure while I'm on the topic of guys, I might as well include them all.


Nathan - Oh dear, sweet Nathan. What could I possibly say about Nathan? A lot, or perhaps nothing at all. Well, I guess there's nothing to say. He likes me, I don't like him as anything more than a friend and that's how it's going to stay. Hm. Well that wasn't a lot. How anticlimactic. In that case, I guess there's not much to say about Marc either.

Marc - What a great guy you are. I'm still not even sure what the hell I think of him at this point. It's not like it matters though since he's got his sights set so far away from me that we're in two separate hemispheres. Oh well. What can you do?

Yeah so...I guess I'm just sick of being the back-up. The safety. The last kid that's picked to be on someone's dodgeball team, and then when I am picked, I'm not even put in the game. So that's why I'm saying fuck it. Guys just aren't worth the stress and effort and time that it takes to get their attention and keep it. So I'm going to worry about me. But I know that when the time comes, I can kick anybody and everybody's ass in dodgeball. But I'm never given the chance.