I Feel Like Tacos

Yeah. I'm not going to be all emo anymore. It really gets me and other people down. And I'm not someone who does well when they're down. Speaking of being down, one thing that does sort of upset me is the obvious lack of grammar skills among today's youth (and not-so-youth). What's so hard about differentiating between 'there', 'their' and 'they're'? The same goes for 'two', 'to' and 'too'. I know there's one more but I can't remember it at the moment. Anyway, here's the difference between these words. Definitions from Dictionary.com. Sentences by me.

There - (used commonly as an adverb) in or at that place; that point; The book is over there.
Their - (pronoun) expressing possession of a noun; form of the pronoun 'they'; Their house almost burned down.
They're - contraction of 'they are'; They're going to leave us if we don't hurry.

Two - number; noun; One plus one is two.
To - preposition; used for expressing motion or direction toward a point, person, place, or thing approached and reached, as opposed to from; I am going to the store.
Too - adverb; in addition; also; including; used as an affirmative to contradict a negative statement; to an excessive extent or degree; 1) She is too sick to get out of bed. 2) I like carrots too! 3) They weren't too happy about the delayed flight.

Okay, so on with my life. Tomorrow I'm going to be doing a little bit of everything. I want to finish those damn index cards for history and I also need to finish my essay. I plan on doing that tonight but I can't guarantee that it'll get past this pathetic attempt at an introduction that I have open at the moment.

Job search! I'm going print out the application to Barnes & Noble and fill that out. This makes the second application that I'm submitting to them. I am determined to get a job and B&N is my first choice at the moment, since it's the most convenient for me. Once I do that, I'm going to take an application over to American Eagle. I'd actually really love to work at Abercrombie & Fitch but I have to be 18 to work there. So I'll go to AE instead. It's like climbing a ladder of sorts...

Before I do any of that I need to go to the bank and deposit some checks. Yep. Jaz needs to start saving for London. As much as I'd love to cash all of the checks that I've earned so far, I really do need to put some money in the bank. Besides, if I were to cash those checks, I guarantee that at least half of the money will go to food. That's about $200. Not cool, dude. I'm quite proud of myself for making this decision, though.

So yeah. It's job hunting season. I'm really hoping that one of these stores calls me to work during spring break, but I doubt it will happen. I'm really applying for a summer position but if they want me for spring break, that's an added bonus. It'll give me a chance to prove myself to be a good worker, great with people and pretty much anything else they could possibly want in a sales associate.

That reminds me, when I go to AE, I'm going to stop over at Aeropostale and get an application from them too. I've already given one to them last year, sometime before Thanksgiving break, for a seasonal job. Obviously that didn't work out. So I'm going back to them too. So let's see...this makes Attempt number two for Barnes & Noble and Aeropostale. Attempt number one for American Eagle. This should be interesting. This means I have to dress to impress tomorrow.

It's not like they'll interview me on the spot, but still. I at least want to make sure that I wear a decent pair of jeans (since I'll have my coat on) to show them that I know how to present myself. Damn. I guess this means I need to do something about my hair too. Oh well. That's the least of my concerns.

Now Playing: Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson. One of my favorite songs. It only has 11 plays though. That makes me a bit sad. Oh well. I suppose that makes it even better to listen to. If they plays are few and far between opposed to me playing the song to death (like Misery Business and Diary of Jane).

I've also decided to try to find myself. I don't even know where the fuck to start but I really would like to. I'm not stupid. I know that the way I am affects those around me (not for the better, mind you) and I'd like to change that. I don't want to become a completely different person (or maybe I do), but I do want to get rid of this self-loathing mentality that I've been carrying around since before I'd even hit puberty (which was pretty early). Since about first or second grade actually, but I digress.

The point is, it's taken me ages (and more than a few not-so-nice talks with Mina) to see that I'm kinda really fucked up in the head. I could blame it on a million and one things from being teased in grade school about being fat (one girl asked me if I was having twins) and having glasses (ah, the classic four-eyes jeers are still fresh) to feeling so unloved by my parents that I felt as though I were adopted and wanted to commit suicide. The point is, I need to suck it up and get over it. Because of the shit that's happened in the past, I've become who I am today. I sure as hell am not perfect, but I'm going to take it one step at a time.

I need to learn to be comfortable with who I am. How I look. I feel like crying right now. Lol, no not sad tears. Happy tears!! I swear. I'm listening to Colors (for Extreme) right now and I feel like I've just had an epiphany. It's as though everything is clicking in to place, or at least trying to. Maybe, the fact that I've come to terms with who I am (was) is helping me to become who I should be (whoever she is). I know I sound like every cliche, and even if I am, I do it best, because that's me. So yeah. A new Jaz Matazz is approaching.

I'm excited for what she'll bring with her. It won't be easy though. I know there will be times when I'll relapse and go back into those stages of wishing I were any and every other girl but me, but this time things will be different. I'm going to make an effort to stop being such a wimp. A pansy, afraid of what the world has to offer.

Wish me luck!